"Better than a Hallelujah"

I know I could apologize for not posting here in a month, but most of you can figure out why if you have followed our blog for any amount of time at all.

Something has been nagging at me for quite sometime. I haven't been purposeful in my relationship with God at all lately. Not giving him even close to what he desires. I have tried to start seeing him in the everyday moments. Like when I am rocking Graceanne or reading stories out of Lily's Bible to her for the upteenth time. Reading out of her Bible is still reading the Bible and I should not just read it to get it over with. I WILL be thankful that she wants to read it and even can "read" the stories to me.

12 days ago I was at my breaking point. If I have learned anything in my walk with Christ - it is this: BE HONEST WITH HIM! Don't try and gloss it over. Put your feelings out there for him to hear - whatever they are (anger, disbelief, discouragement, etc)! Steve let me vent. Not about or at him, but blow some steam off. I ranted and raved about how I could NOT do this anymore. I was tired of trying to DO my life right now. You name it and I named it! School, home, EVERYTHING! I was absolutely D - O - N - E!

It wasn't pretty and I was exhausted. The next day in church was a little rough too. Usually, I thoroughly enjoy worship. I wasn't frustrated anymore - just wiped out. Emotionally, and physically. Steve asked if I wanted to go pray. My tears that had be welling up just busted out. We prayed without words. The song was so perfect and fitting. I can't remember it now, but it spoke much of what was in my heart.

Then I heard "Better Than a Hallelujah" in a whole new light. I had to put the lyrics here for you to read. I put the words than really stuck out to me in bold.

Better Than a Hallelujah
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
better than a choir singin' loud
singin' loud
Repeat Chorus

Now, my life is no different than it was 12 days ago. Life is still hard. I still make mistakes and lots of them. But I feel different. God heard my cries and took me seriously when I said I couldn't handle it anymore. I told Steve and God that if God wanted me to keep doing what I was doing and make it through that God was going to HAVE to be the one to change my heart and give me the strength, peace, and endurance that I needed. I knew that I could NOT do it myself.

Mom - I know you told me to just go to bed. Sorry, I couldn't. I had to post this. Sorry, there aren't as many posts as I would like. I would love to post like I used to. Sorry, there aren't as many pictures. I am not as eloquent as some. My thoughts aren't as insightful or funny as some. They certainly aren't as theological as some.

I am just trying to walk in obedience by putting one foot in front of the other. Steve is in his 6th of 11 rotations; his 22nd of 27 months of PA school; the 55th of 61 months since this fateful life-changing journey began! Keep praying us through. I'm pretty sure that Satan knows we are nearing the light at the end of the tunnel. And no I know it isn't another train. Satan would leave us alone if we were going to be taken out completely. He's only bothering us, because he knows God has big plans for us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!