"Better than a Hallelujah"

I know I could apologize for not posting here in a month, but most of you can figure out why if you have followed our blog for any amount of time at all.

Something has been nagging at me for quite sometime. I haven't been purposeful in my relationship with God at all lately. Not giving him even close to what he desires. I have tried to start seeing him in the everyday moments. Like when I am rocking Graceanne or reading stories out of Lily's Bible to her for the upteenth time. Reading out of her Bible is still reading the Bible and I should not just read it to get it over with. I WILL be thankful that she wants to read it and even can "read" the stories to me.

12 days ago I was at my breaking point. If I have learned anything in my walk with Christ - it is this: BE HONEST WITH HIM! Don't try and gloss it over. Put your feelings out there for him to hear - whatever they are (anger, disbelief, discouragement, etc)! Steve let me vent. Not about or at him, but blow some steam off. I ranted and raved about how I could NOT do this anymore. I was tired of trying to DO my life right now. You name it and I named it! School, home, EVERYTHING! I was absolutely D - O - N - E!

It wasn't pretty and I was exhausted. The next day in church was a little rough too. Usually, I thoroughly enjoy worship. I wasn't frustrated anymore - just wiped out. Emotionally, and physically. Steve asked if I wanted to go pray. My tears that had be welling up just busted out. We prayed without words. The song was so perfect and fitting. I can't remember it now, but it spoke much of what was in my heart.

Then I heard "Better Than a Hallelujah" in a whole new light. I had to put the lyrics here for you to read. I put the words than really stuck out to me in bold.

Better Than a Hallelujah
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
better than a choir singin' loud
singin' loud
Repeat Chorus

Now, my life is no different than it was 12 days ago. Life is still hard. I still make mistakes and lots of them. But I feel different. God heard my cries and took me seriously when I said I couldn't handle it anymore. I told Steve and God that if God wanted me to keep doing what I was doing and make it through that God was going to HAVE to be the one to change my heart and give me the strength, peace, and endurance that I needed. I knew that I could NOT do it myself.

Mom - I know you told me to just go to bed. Sorry, I couldn't. I had to post this. Sorry, there aren't as many posts as I would like. I would love to post like I used to. Sorry, there aren't as many pictures. I am not as eloquent as some. My thoughts aren't as insightful or funny as some. They certainly aren't as theological as some.

I am just trying to walk in obedience by putting one foot in front of the other. Steve is in his 6th of 11 rotations; his 22nd of 27 months of PA school; the 55th of 61 months since this fateful life-changing journey began! Keep praying us through. I'm pretty sure that Satan knows we are nearing the light at the end of the tunnel. And no I know it isn't another train. Satan would leave us alone if we were going to be taken out completely. He's only bothering us, because he knows God has big plans for us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She did it!

I thought (wishful - I know) that we had avoided this situation. I've worked hard : ) over the last three years to get her hair all one length. Less than a month ago, Lily had her 2nd salon cut and it was officially ALL one length.

Now, I do have to give her credit . . . I will not be needing to take her to get it "fixed" as it appears that she did a pretty good job. Maybe she'll work in a salon - I suppose only if we can't get gymnastics to pay for our retirement!

Feedings

Well, I have to be honest here. I have not been feeding myself spiritually like I should since Graceanne was born. I am trying, but not hard enough. I was feeding Graceanne a few days ago and I had the following thoughts:

Graceanne was not cooperating during a feeding. She was refusing most of her bottle. I was frustrated, because I knew she needed it to grow. My heart ached, because I knew Graceanne wasn't eating and I couldn't make her.

That little voice in my head said, "That is just like when I try to feed you, so you can grow." God can't force me to "eat," so that I can grow. His heart must ache the same (or more) as mine. I need to open my eyes more to seeing God in the EVERYDAY moments - like feeding my baby girl!

I don't know where to go from here with this. Except to ask God's help in continuing to strive to MAKE time for him. Asking him not to give up on me in the process!

His mercies are new EVERY morning!

Lily's 4th Bday

In process of uploading pictures to FB. Here is the link:


http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=53654&id=1065191421&l=4db44a1399

More to come later!

April Lilyisms

I know it has been three months since I posted any Lilyisms. I'm sorry for that. I have been trying to write them down, so I have quite a few. I'll see how many I get typed up for you before Graceanne needs to eat again.

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"Graceanne, God is healing your belly button!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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At pre-school, they use green/yellow/red lights for behavior.
"You've got all green lights, Mommy. I'm proud of you!"
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Me: "What are you doing?"
L: lots of mumbling
Me: "Get off the computer!"
L: "I'm just checking my email."
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"Who wants one of these? Raise your hand?" "What kind of cookie do you want? Marshmallow or chocolate?"
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After Steve and I had "discussed" something:
L: "Do you want me to put you in time-out?"
Me: "No"
L: "Do you want me to put you or Daddy in time-out?" (modeling the giving of choices)
Me: "Daddy"
L: "Daddy your in time-out!"
__________________________________________

After a few of her friends were arguing over some toys, she placed her hands on their shoulders and said:
"Friends, The Bible says be kind one another!"
__________________________________________

L: "What are you doing?"
Steve: "My work"
L "Your study work?"
Steve: "Yes, my study work."
L: "Daddy, this is not a school. This is our house."
__________________________________________

"On your MARKET, set, go!"
__________________________________________

Talking about one of her babies:
"This is MY Graceanne."
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Lily comes running out of her bedroom frantic not long after going down for her nap. She had her new duck from a neighbor in one hand and one of the duck's wings in the other:
"I broke her arm!!!!"
__________________________________________

Last but certainly not least! Just yesterday:
L: "Alice (her doll) died!"

I thought about just blowing it off her off with a "ok," but decided to play along
Me: "You know Lily, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. I bet if you pray to Jesus he will heal her."
L: Bows her head and then proceeds to run back to her room. She comes out of her room saying this:
"She's alive. Jesus healed her!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Oh, the faith of a little child (or big girl in Lily's case). I pray that her faith remains strong! Gotta go feed the littlest one and head to bed. I hope it won't be another three months before I post more!

New pics on Facebook

I have given up posting pics here unless I have loads of time to waste - which won't probably happen for at least another 18 years.

So . . . here is the link to the pics on Facebook. You don't have to be a member to view them.

By the way . . . It won't be tonight, but I have a list going of Lilyisms. I'll hopefully get them posted in the next, ummmmm, year - MAYBE!

Pictures

I tried to upload pics today to the blog, but blogger wasn't cooperating. I uploaded them to Facebook. Hope you are on FB to see them here.